Things I’ve Learned In My Time As A Parent. (Volume 1)

As I write this, I’ve been a parent for 1,344 days, and a parent of two kids for 516 days. I’m by no means an expert, but I think I’m getting OK at it. According to what I hear on the news nowadays, I think I’m in the top 90th percentile. This isn’t going to be one of those “parenting is the best job in the world” bits, I promise. There is a lot that I have already learned as a parent, a lot more left to learn, but here is what I know so far. This is the real sh*t I’ve learned.

1.) I’ve never almost counted to three so many times in my life.

Continue reading “Things I’ve Learned In My Time As A Parent. (Volume 1)”

I Tried A Bidet

I’ll bet that got your attention!

So this past weekend, my family and I were invited to the family cabin of our good friends Adam & Bridget. Side-note check out Adam’s photography business. Dude knows how to use a camera! ADH Creative Solutions. My family made the “family section” see if you can find me, 10 points if you can.

Anyways, I’ll do my best to set the scene for you without losing all of my followers and grossing you out. . .

Continue reading “I Tried A Bidet”

I’m No Batman

I (currently) work in an older office. It creeks and makes weird noises and the A/C runs until it resembles a walk-in freezer. It’s old. New office coming 11/1.

Anyways, this was no ordinary Friday. On this day, I had just finished playing the podcast of “The Initials Game” with my co-worker, Wendy. After she beat me 4-2, I walked back to my standing desk, feeling defeated. While standing there, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye.

About shoulder height.

About a foot away.

About the size of a rat.

With wings.

That’s right, friends. It was a f*****g bat.

As soon as my brain registered that my life should be flashing in front of my eyes instead of going on “standby mode”. The beast went airborne.

Now, of course I did what any bearded, broad-chested, manly man would do.

I silently screamed like a little girl and threw the pile of papers that I had been holding at it in defense. . . I’ve never had the greatest “Fight or Flight” response.

The barrage of printer paper didn’t seem to phase the monster, he’d clearly seen that trick before. Round and round he went, inches from my face. Trapping me behind my desk in my office. He kept circling the office like the dirty bat that he was.

With every swoop, I could feel the wind from beneath his wings. “Could this be the end?”, I thought.

When the bat stopped for a quick breather from chasing me, I saw an opening and took it. I ran into Wendy’s office and slammed the door shut. I was safe!

So, obviously the next step in my plan was arson. The building and beast had to be destroyed.

Wendy had a slightly better plan. “I’ll get Brian [the landlord]” she said calmly. This made sense, so my plan went to Plan B. Leaving me to defend for myself, Wendy went to get Brian.

Brian walks up, looks at me (I’m the only guy in the office) and while smugly smiling says: “don’t like bats?”.

Now, what kind of stupid question is that? No, of course I don’t! No one does, not even Batman. Fun fact: that’s why Batman was never invited to be a part of the Avengers. It wasn’t the Marvel/DC thing, it’s because no one likes bats. Look it up.

Brian walks into my office and I promptly shut the door, and yelled “Good luck, let me know when you get him”. Yeah I basically gave him a death sentence, but it’s the price you pay to be a landlord.

Now, let’s see if he “likes” bats…

After a couple minutes, I bravely opened the door about 2 inches and yelled “is it gone?”. Do you know what he said?

“I can’t find it.”

Now it’s on the back of my neck. Not really, but that’s how I felt. It was everywhere. Omnipresent, if you will.

Finally, he found it hiding in the fake plant in my office, which of course will now be thrown out.

This was my que to go back into hiding where I was the most helpful.

Brian calmly grabs a box, throws it on the bat and slides a piece of cardboard on the bottom. Calmly carries it downstairs and released it.

Fairly anticlimactic ending, but I hope you enjoyed my misery.

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My hero!

I met Destiny

This past weekend, I was swimming in a hotel pool with my 3-year-old daughter Grace. She can’t really swim, so I was basically holding her life jacket while she kicked and splashed. She loved it. I’m not big into swimming, but I love watching my kids have fun; so it was really enjoyable. The pool was warm, a bit crowded; but we had fun.

About 10 minutes into our Saturday morning swimming, a very quiet and shy little girl wearing green arm floaties came directly up to me and very quietly asked if she could play with us. She softly said her name was Destiny, and I would guess she was probably 4-6. I did a pretty thorough glance around to see if I could see some sort of parent figure looking at her or me; and didn’t see anyone that caught my eye. Regardless, she seemed pretty harmless, I asked Grace if she cared if Destiny played with us. Always one to make new friends, she said “Sure!”.

Well, Destiny was much more interested in me helping to hold her up by the strap on the back of her arm floaties so she could swim better (as I was doing with Grace), than playing with Grace. Since Grace is my daughter, I’m obviously going to be much more attentive to her and making sure she was having a blast. Unfortunately, I got to the point where I was almost ignoring Destiny. Not because she wanted to play, or anything like that; she was a sweet, albeit a little awkward, little girl. Because I wanted to make sure that I didn’t have to rescue my own kid from the bottom of the pool. Now, conversely, in the back of my mind during all of this was “what happens if I look over and this little girl goes under while I’m playing with my kid”. The whole ordeal is getting a bit stressful at this point. I glance around for some sort of parent/guardian for Destiny…nothing. :(

Parents, am I wrong to admit that in a situation where my kid and your kid are both going under water; that I’m saving my kid 10 times out of 10? Once mine is safe, I’ll go for yours, I promise. But am I a terrible person for admitting that? Look, I’ll save as many people as I can-given the opportunity, but my kids are going to be my first priority in a safety situation. Please tell me I’m not a jerk for thinking this way.

About an hour later Destiny was still there, but I think she was slowly getting the hint that if she didn’t want to play with Grace, I wasn’t really enjoying having to watch her as well. I felt really bad, but I’m not very good in those situations. Still no parent figure that I could see either, and I’ve had Lasik.

**For the first time in any of my blog posts, I’m going to have a point, and I’m getting to that point very soon-I promise.**

All of a sudden, out of nowhere, this giant inflatable ball appears! This thing was so cool!! The kids in the pool, young and old, loved it. So I grabbed Grace and we ran around the pool with the other kids ‘booping’ it back in the air like we were at a rock concert. This went on for about 20-30 minutes and then it was time for us to head back to the room to eat lunch, and I was out of breath.

As I’m getting out of the pool, Destiny floats over and again, very quietly says something to me: “I haven’t gotten to touch it”. I didn’t really know what she was talking about (I’m not bright), so I think I looked at her a little weird before realizing that she meant she hadn’t gotten to play with the ball that all of the other kids were playing with. I didn’t know what to say to her, so I said “well, keep trying!”. As you can tell, Tony Robbins and I are basically the same person…

As Grace and I are walking away, the ball comes flying out of the pool right towards us-slow motion style. I got my hands on the ball and this 10-12 year old girl comes running up to throw it back in. So, I stopped her quick and said “NO RUNNING BY THE POOL!!!” Just kidding. I actually said: “Hey, this little girl right here (pointing to Destiny in the pool) hasn’t gotten to touch the ball yet”. “OK!” the girl said and pointed right at little Destiny and under hand threw it right towards her!

It went over her head.

BUT! Since kids now days are becoming more awesome because they’re being forced to (See: Parkland, Florida). I know, I said no political talk, but let’s be honest; when you were in high school, were you doing/thinking the things that these kids are? No, the answer is no-you weren’t.

Anyways, The other kids all heard the conversation that I had with the girl outside of the pool, so they caught the ball and walked it over to Destiny so she could throw it in the air.

You guys, she lit up like the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree. It was so much fun to watch her instantly being able to play with the rest of the kids around her. It made me really feel good that Grace was able to see the whole thing as my wife and I always stress being nice to everyone to her. Now, I’m not telling this story to make myself sound like this great and wonderful person; I can do that on my own-just ask me. I wanted to tell the story to remind people, that sometimes a very small act of kindness can make a person’s entire day. Not only will I remember how much fun Grace and I had while we were swimming, I’ll also remember the look on little Destiny’s face when she finally got to be included with her newfound friends.

Also, I still didn’t see any parents to watch their child have the best time of the their swimming session. I’ll blog more on my thoughts on THAT particular issue and other observations from the hotel later this week.

Have a great rest of your week everyone.


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