I’m No Batman

I (currently) work in an older office. It creeks and makes weird noises and the A/C runs until it resembles a walk-in freezer. It’s old. New office coming 11/1.

Anyways, this was no ordinary Friday. On this day, I had just finished playing the podcast of “The Initials Game” with my co-worker, Wendy. After she beat me 4-2, I walked back to my standing desk, feeling defeated. While standing there, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye.

About shoulder height.

About a foot away.

About the size of a rat.

With wings.

That’s right, friends. It was a f*****g bat.

As soon as my brain registered that my life should be flashing in front of my eyes instead of going on “standby mode”. The beast went airborne.

Now, of course I did what any bearded, broad-chested, manly man would do.

I silently screamed like a little girl and threw the pile of papers that I had been holding at it in defense. . . I’ve never had the greatest “Fight or Flight” response.

The barrage of printer paper didn’t seem to phase the monster, he’d clearly seen that trick before. Round and round he went, inches from my face. Trapping me behind my desk in my office. He kept circling the office like the dirty bat that he was.

With every swoop, I could feel the wind from beneath his wings. “Could this be the end?”, I thought.

When the bat stopped for a quick breather from chasing me, I saw an opening and took it. I ran into Wendy’s office and slammed the door shut. I was safe!

So, obviously the next step in my plan was arson. The building and beast had to be destroyed.

Wendy had a slightly better plan. “I’ll get Brian [the landlord]” she said calmly. This made sense, so my plan went to Plan B. Leaving me to defend for myself, Wendy went to get Brian.

Brian walks up, looks at me (I’m the only guy in the office) and while smugly smiling says: “don’t like bats?”.

Now, what kind of stupid question is that? No, of course I don’t! No one does, not even Batman. Fun fact: that’s why Batman was never invited to be a part of the Avengers. It wasn’t the Marvel/DC thing, it’s because no one likes bats. Look it up.

Brian walks into my office and I promptly shut the door, and yelled “Good luck, let me know when you get him”. Yeah I basically gave him a death sentence, but it’s the price you pay to be a landlord.

Now, let’s see if he “likes” bats…

After a couple minutes, I bravely opened the door about 2 inches and yelled “is it gone?”. Do you know what he said?

“I can’t find it.”

Now it’s on the back of my neck. Not really, but that’s how I felt. It was everywhere. Omnipresent, if you will.

Finally, he found it hiding in the fake plant in my office, which of course will now be thrown out.

This was my que to go back into hiding where I was the most helpful.

Brian calmly grabs a box, throws it on the bat and slides a piece of cardboard on the bottom. Calmly carries it downstairs and released it.

Fairly anticlimactic ending, but I hope you enjoyed my misery.

Thanks for reading! Share with your friends!


My hero!