I’ll bet that got your attention!

So this past weekend, my family and I were invited to the family cabin of our good friends Adam & Bridget. Side-note check out Adam’s photography business. Dude knows how to use a camera! ADH Creative Solutions. My family made the “family section” see if you can find me, 10 points if you can.

Anyways, I’ll do my best to set the scene for you without losing all of my followers and grossing you out. . .

At one point over the weekend, I was using the bathroom (#1) and I noticed this remote-control looking thing sitting right next to the toilet seat. There was also a weird-looking white object in the back of the actual toilet bowl. Finally it dawned on me that this was no ordinary toilet. No, no…this was a European toilet (pun intended). It was a bidet.

So I get out of the bathroom and walk over to Bridget and say “Bridget, do you know that there is a bidet in your bathroom?”. She laughs and says something like “yeah, my dad went to Paris or something like that a couple of years ago and became obsessed with bidets. He actually switched toilets in the cabin so the toilet in his bathroom would fit the bidet that he bought.”

(Those of you who don’t know what a bidet is. Click here.)

Adam chimes in “you have to try it!…ItMightBeMike has to try the bidet!! I might even pay you to try it, just so I can read what you think about it”.

Payment still pending. [Update: payment received]

Well, after some conversation and a bit of coercing, I figured I’d give it a try. Because, as you read in my previous post–not much scares me.

I explained my concerns with Adam, Bridget, and my wife, Kate about using the bidet. My main concern was this: “I feel like it’s going to miss the target and shoot water through my legs or up my back” Adam assured me this wouldn’t happen by saying “It doesn’t miss…you have to try it”. So many thoughts, questions and concerns filled my head. “How does it ‘not miss’? Is it GPS-enabled?” “Is the water heated?” and most importantly: “Why is this thing a thing?”.

I’ll spare you the gruesome details and jump right to the “trying of the bidet”. Think of the controller for the bidet as a over-sized remote control with 2 turn-able dials on it. The top dial is what I figured that I needed to be concerned with because it said “Water pressure”. The bottom one said “Nozzle Cleaning” and I wasn’t about to find out what that meant.

As I SLOWLY started turning the dial, I heard something happening…

…beneath me…

All of a sudden, there was a rush of ICE COLD WATER attacking my bottom section. When this happened, I made what I can only describe as an audible squeal: “WooOOOoooO”, and I lifted myself off the toilet and made an “I don’t like this face”. I know I made the face because in front of the toilet is a giant 4′ x 6′ mirror where I could watch myself clean myself. The water surge was a direct hit. That’s as descriptive as I can get without being gross. A. Direct. Hit. Email me if you need more details. I hope you don’t.

The thing is, there are about 6 or 7 ‘bars’ of water pressure and I had turned the dial about one half of one-third of one bar. I barely moved the dial and I got attacked by a firehouse. Seriously, the pressure on this thing must be anywhere from Super Soaker to Enema. My pressure washer doesn’t do what this thing did to me.

I’m not sure where people get the idea that these are so great. I suppose they probably do a pretty good job of cleaning (exfoliating) the intended area and all of your ‘nooks and crannies’ after you get used to using them. Maybe…

I just did not enjoy water in my cranny.

Now, sitting there I didn’t know what to do–do I continue?. I was fairly confident that the mission had not yet been completed. I decided to try again. This time wasn’t any better. The water wasn’t any warmer or less shocking and I still made ‘the face’. It was then that I decided to call it quits and finish the job with the old fashion tried and true method. Speaking of that, Adam made a good point. After you’re done–you still have to use toilet paper because now you’re all wet…down there… You have to kind of “dab yourself dry” before you pull your britches back up. This all seems very complicated doesn’t it?

I got back outside and was welcomed with a “so…how was it?!”. As I sat back in the chair, I held my knees to my chest and rocked back and forth…trying to come to terms of what just happened to me. “I….I don’t think that I liked it”, I replied sheepishly.

So, …I’m out on bidets.

To Bridget’s dad, Mike: I just can’t get on board with the bidet. I’m sorry. I tried it and did not like it. However, I respect the hell out a man who can load a house up with bidets and not bat an eye at what people think. You do you, Mike. #respect.

Now, with all of this being said. I would encourage ALL of you to at least try one and let me know what kind of sound you make when the water hits home!

Hope you had a laugh! Thanks for reading!

-ML